Grief

I’ve decided to write about grief as I’m reading a very interesting book about a woman who had terminal cancer but still tried to look at the positives during the end of her life. I really want to put myself in that frame of mind. I feel like I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, but you do need to find comfort where you can find it.

Grief it’s a funny old thing. I’ve experienced it before with my grandma and quite recently with my dog Kelsey (who was also my best friend), but I cannot describe the scale of grief I feel for my best friend, Hayley. She was only 38 years old, and it’s just so unfair. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t with her. I know that everyone is a nosey bastard and wants to know the details… I figure if I explain how she died now, I hopefully won’t have to continue going over it, and I get really angry when people send me a message just asking what happened rather than any heartfelt care into the message; people are so so nosey when it comes to death.

On the evening of Tuesday 18th July, exactly one week after her birthday, Hayley was having a night in. I saw on Strava that she’d gone to body combat at 5 pm and was home by 6:30. I spoke to her earlier in the day, but I was out with Simon and friends that evening. I posted a picture of Simon and me, and she liked it and told me to have a good holiday. That will be my last conversation with Hayley, and it hurts so much that my reply was one word. I’m not sure exactly what Hayley was doing, but at around 9:30, she called her mum, saying she had a burning headache and couldn’t get off the floor (she was very panicky). She then got cut off. Her mum called 999, and so did she.

Her sister messaged me at this point to ask if I had spoken to her, and I said I had earlier. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t know the details and thought that she hadn’t answered probably meant she had fallen asleep. A few hours later, I learnt that she had a massive brain bleed; it was so bad that they couldn’t operate and that there was nothing they could do. I immediately went to the hospital, and I still remember having hope that it wasn’t true. It was only when I saw her linked to the life support machine that it sunk in, and I had a breakdown. My legs were shaking, and honestly, I was making animal sounds. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain, Maureen, her mum, must be feeling.

I can’t really talk about those couple of days in the hospital; it’s all a bit of a blur. I cried a lot and said goodbye to her several times. First of all, I was swearing at her to pack in the drama; now we all realise how much we love her, and then I just held her, went through our memories and promised to look after her mum. One thing I will say that gives me some comfort is that Hayley looked like Hayley. Her nails were done, her hair was washed, and she was warm to the touch. I’m glad I got to see her and will treasure that forever.

Back to grief - honestly, I can barely go a few minutes without thinking of her. I can’t really do much other than talk about her. I’m struggling to read, I have constant headaches, and if I’m being candid, I have a continuous want to drink. I dream about her (if I sleep). I often go through our messages, voice notes and pictures. I know this isn’t entirely healthy, but what is healthy? Grief is different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong way to be. I won’t lie. It’s bloody tough, the most challenging thing (so far). I just keep reminding myself that I have something to work with here, I am alive, and Hayley isn’t. Sometimes I get nervous and think I’ll go back to how I was a few months ago and be in constant panic. I have had a few moments where I have been like that and don’t feel in my own body, but because I’ve experienced it before, I know that it passes and doesn’t escalate to a panic attack.

So many people have reached out and messaged me, and I’m so grateful. Some people have big hearts, and I’m sorry I can’t always reply. I will try to in time. Because that’s what it’s going to take… I need a lot of time. Life won’t be the same or anywhere near as fun, but I need to continue doing things that make me happy and take a bit of Hayley in what I do.

I’ve woken up today, still ridiculously upset, but I want to celebrate Hayley. I want to do the things she enjoyed doing. I want to be able to talk about her and smile. It will take a while but I have the most amazing friends and boyfriend. Life can be so f*cking cruel, and although I don’t believe things happen for a reason anymore, I do believe that lessons can be learnt from every situation. My lesson from this is live life exactly how you want to, don’t waste time, set goals and go out and do them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed…

And drink rose in Hayley’s honour always, of course!

xBx