Focusing on the positives
Afternoon my fav people; I’m honoured that you’re still with me and reading my blogs. So today, I had a bit of a low mood (which I know is normal), but honestly, for a little while, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had 3 therapists at one time (thank you, Rob, Nadia and Annabelle). They have all helped me realize that we go where our focus is. My negative thoughts still want to stick like velcro. Still, I have to go and get a pen (the only thing I have to show for being cabin crew, btw pens) and change it to write positives instead … I decided to focus on 15 good things that have come since this operation rather than the negatives. Guaranteed to lift your mood from a 2 to at least a 4…. So let’s go!
1. I got a promotion and will now be an Inflight Manager (waiting for my course still). The questions were mostly psychology based, and I wouldn’t have been able to answer them half as well if I hadn’t learnt what I had after my mind went funny.
2. I’m running a half marathon on Sunday (please sponsor me again, plea - have you seen how hot it’s going to be… maybe just pray for me if you don’t sponsor me), and well, it’s got me to focus on something. I’m doing it for mental health so I’m giving back. Bonus, it’s getting me fitter. (I do have some nasty-looking feet with blisters on them, though).
3. Simon and I are closer than ever (I double-checked with him to confirm this is true.. he says yes). He might not understand the anxiety itself, but he is understanding. He’s seen me at my worse and still wants to be with me forever.. for me, that is just the clearest sign I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
4. I appreciate things more; when I have a good day, I literally feel like it’s bliss. I also have a lot more empathy for others now and like to think I’m more emotionally intelligent (even if I’m less stable).
5. My new favourite thing is blog writing. I’m honestly so grateful for it, and so many of you have said how you like my writing style, and it’s different. (I’m taking it as a compliment even if that’s not what you guys meant).
6. I lost weight. (Ok, yes, I’m putting a bit of it back on, but we got to take some positives and silver linings where we can).
7. I understand my values, and what I want in life. (A baby Simon - thanks, haha) and I like certainty - I now make endless to-do lists which would never have been me before.
8. I have made new friends and got closer to people that experience the same or have helped me. (I won’t name them as not everyone is an open book like me).
9. I didn’t think I could read any more than I do, but somehow I do, as I don’t like to sit there doing nothing with my own thoughts anymore. (I used to just be able to stare into thin air for hours) some of these have been self-help books; I’ve got to be honest. They aren’t really my gig still, but I try.
10. I have gone part-time now at work… ok, it’s only starting next month, but it’s 3 weeks on and 1 week off… like a holiday every month. (I did debate going 50%, but then I thought if Simon dumped me, I’d be up shit creek, so a girl got to be independent).
11. I have a new nose, OK I can barely breathe from it, and now I make weird sounds at night (any hint of a cold, and I’m struggling for air). But it looks alright.
12. I have moved in with Simon full time (it’s heaven… he is so clean and tidy and understands landing days are when B needs to be pampered).
13. I’m back playing netball - this is probably the only time I do not get a single intrusive thought. My mind is just on that ball (I run around like a headless chicken). Since getting back into it, the muscle ache is like nothing I’ve felt before.
14. I take time out for a bit of self-care always. I journal too… I’ve tried mediation, but again, I can’t get into it. But I’m totally up for trying new things that are out of my comfort zone.
15. I have learnt some more dishes besides chicken fajitas to cook (I’m not saying they are any good), but I’m trying.
So yeah, so much positive has come from this, and when I have a low mood or my mind thinks it’s going funny, I need to recognize that I have actually come so far, and it’s a journey. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am bloody proud of my strength sometimes; I could see this as a weakness, but overcoming it and growing is my strength. I’m going in the right direction, and even if I do have wobbles now and again, that’s OK. I went through trauma, but it doesn’t have to define me, and I can finally make peace that it happened for a reason.
xBx
P.S. Number 16 - I also have a newfound love for BANANAS! I also own a colouring book at the age of 37… don’t judge 🙃