Weight

Good afternoon my lovely blog readers… I hope you are all well. I'm currently in St Albans Town centre (my new home from next month), killing time trying not to eat to keep myself entertained. I had some ginger biscuits, a bagel and a coffee. I thought, you know what, I have actually put weight on recently (I can see my little pouch prodding out LOL), and I want to talk about it… It's a pretty sensitive subject to most, so I will try my best not to offend in any way, but I want to give you my opinion on my body/weight, etc., and you can make up your own minds. Not going to be my longest blog because I only want to touch on it and move on…

OK, so basically, I'm not going to lie. I'm quite vain (I've had surgery on my boobs and nose). I think this qualifies as vain. In my younger years, I only had one side of my face that I would allow to be photographed (the right side - my friends always noticed, haha) and had the same fake smile. I can't be without fake eyelashes. That's what I thought looked best. I put a gruelling amount of hours in the gym when I was younger and would then go and ruin it by drinking so much (Smirnoff ices and blue Wkds), but I would have stages where I was slimmer than my usual and well on those occasions it wasn't as you would think.

Recently (well, a few months ago), I lost 8kgs and was the skinniest I had ever been. It wasn't even that I wasn't eating (OK, well, I wasn't much. I was actually choosing things high in calories as I was eating so little, which makes me laugh now as I love food). Still, I was so stressed that my metabolism was like working overtime. Yes, my body looked good, and I got a lot of compliments (if I left the house). However, my mind was f*cked, and I thought I had the body of my dreams, but if your mind isn't in a good space, it means absolutely Jack shit - you cannot enjoy it! I want you to know that it should not be a priority, in my opinion.

I'm back to my normal weight and still not 💯 happy, so I feel a bit robbed by that, but I know that it means I'm functioning again (better) and happier. I am back to being hangry on occasion again, and surprisingly I missed that feeling. Nothing is better than going to a steak restaurant for me and having a medium rare fillet with chunky chips and a shit load of ketchup (I'm wrong, I know).

Over the years, I've definitely had an unhealthy relationship with my body. Still, at the age of 38, I finally feel like as long as I'm healthy, I really don't care (oh and that Simon is still attracted to me). I won't let myself go because that's not who I am, but if I want to eat that cake and another slice afterwards, then fine… I'll do it. Life is too bloody short to worry about that. I exercise and enjoy it, so I deserve my treats, I feel.

My lesson from this is don't worry about your weight when you are growing up and still finding your feet and who you are. As long as it's not causing you any disabilities - let it go… there is bigger shit in life that you have to deal with. Whatever makes you feel good, go with that. If it does make you feel good, then fair enough. Go get the dream bod. But if you feel good in your mind, that's all that bloody matters to me. I thought I'd be the happiest person alive, being as slim as I was, and actually, it was the unhappiest I've ever been.

For many, it is something we fight with daily. Still, I've come to a point where I want to let that go as one of my priorities… the body is beautiful no matter what shape or size, and I love that we are all different. I have a newfound confidence in myself from what I've learnt from this recently (I still have a fear that I feel weird and not real sometimes). However, I accept myself just the way I am, and to be honest, Hayley dying has just made me realize that I'm so lucky to be alive. Concentrate on the things that make you happy ❤️❤️❤️ and if that means being fatter… so be it!

xBx

P.S. I think I fancy a burger, haha.