Overthinking

Good evening, my lovely readers. I hope you are all well. I’m currently in Edinburgh, where it gets sooo dark so early… I do love it here, but does anyone else get winter depression? I really think I do… I’ve avoided winters at all costs over the years, and now that I actually have depression-anxiety as part of my personality since my surgery, well, I’m so in tune with how I feel. Anyway, I’m sitting in the hotel room and just got comfy into pjs and a face mask. I ordered some Uber Eats, and they phoned me saying they weren’t allowed to come up the lift, so I threw a coat on and went down with a full face mask. Anything for Mexican food (the guy didn’t even flinch). I love the Scottish!

So overthinking…. I know I always do this, and it really can be annoying. I’ve been super sick the past week, and my thoughts go like this on a repeat cycle. ‘Do I feel ok?’ ‘There’s no panic, which is good, but why am I scared?’ ‘If I’m not in a panic, do I have depression?’ ‘Calm down; you’re just getting yourself into a web of dark thoughts because you feel ill and sorry for yourself’. Then I move on slightly to thoughts of ‘Are you sure you can concentrate on this? Is your mind ok?’ to then ‘Well, you are functioning, so it’s fine’, and then eventually my brain might get distracted for a few minutes, and then I remember again, and my brain then starts to say, ‘Oh how nice we forgot we had anxiety for a little while but I’m back’. It’s much better than it was as I eat just fine, go to work and can do everything, but it’s so bloody annoying.

I literally have to battle with these thoughts almost every day. I can get the odd good day or quite a few moments where I don’t think this, but then it goes onto Hayley and how shocking it is that she’s passed. I swear my mind does not want to be happy. It works its hardest to make me overthink everything. Now, I’m focusing on the bad, but it can really be all-consuming, and I want to write this for any other overthinkers or anyone else who has gone through trauma. I guess this is a normal way for the brain to process and operate, and you’re not alone.

Some days and weeks, I feel calm and don’t overthink things. If I’m focused on something (like work), I’m better than I used to be because it takes all my attention, and I can do things much more relaxed. Now, I love it when tasks need all my brain power. I don’t enjoy watching TV these days anymore because my thoughts can wander… I’d much rather play a game or read a book and get into that.

It’s a work in progress, and running, writing, etc, really do help and make me feel good. When I couldn’t run for a week, I really was not myself. Anyway, I do feel better now, and I always thought I wanted to be a lady of leisure, but I don’t think I do. Yes, I’m cursing work, especially when I get up at silly o’clock in the morning, but I really enjoy it. It even gives me my dopamine hit (I mean, tomorrow definitely isn’t as I have three sectors, but you never know, I might have Robbie Williams on my flight (again).

Hang in there, folks. It comes and goes… there are always better days/moments; overthinking is not the one, but we won’t die from it. (Fingers crossed) so try to channel it to something else. If the mind wanders… play sudoku, colour in, phone Melissa (I’m sure she won’t mind) or journal it on paper and then you realise what a lunatic you are!!! :) Happy overthinking!!!

xBx

PS Tell me you have some of these thoughts, too. 😂