Reflecting on 2023 (what a shocking year)

Hi, lovely gang. So it’s coming up to New Year. I’m flying to Larnaca later for work and taking Simon with me again, so whilst I’m sitting on my amazing sofa (that’s one positive of 2023, lol) this morning, I thought I’d give us all a recap on my 2023 and well pray for a better 2024. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good parts; I’m gonna touch on the milestone points just in case you haven’t read any of my blogs before this… well in a nutshell, you can have the whole year in this one.

So, let’s start off with January… I did sober Jan to try and get me in the healthiest condition for my nose job. I didn’t feel any better for it, or healthier or lose weight… I literally just felt boring/not as fun and didn’t want to torture myself going out without drinking - sad, I know, but that was the truth of it. The only positive in my eyes was that there were no hangovers. Anyway, nose job day came, and as you all know, I was very nervous and woke up a few hours after I was supposed to. I couldn’t urinate for a long time, and my mind wouldn’t let me sleep because it just became in a state of fight or flight and panic. I literally went insane, didn’t sleep for a week, and developed anxiety. Nice one 👍 (nose looks okay, though).

This led me to February and March when I was trying to recover. Still, my mind didn’t feel the same, and I didn’t realize what was going on at the time; I called sick to work, lost 8kgs, and had a few weeks where I couldn’t even concentrate on reading a book or watching TV so had hypnotherapy, therapy, went back to my parents and as a last resort started antidepressants. Slowly, I began to feel a little better, and they had lost my IFM application (which, in hindsight, was a great thing as I was not fit to interview in Feb). Anyway, I have been given an interview date for the beginning of April, and this was my goal to get better for!

I learned a hell of a lot in therapy, and I’ve become a lot smarter. I also realized I want children, to be an Inflight Manager, netball back in my life, etc. I went back to work in April and went to the interview. I got my IFM, which I am so pleased about; if I’m honest with myself when I started back flying, I realized that I would get worse again when I did night flights, so I started requesting short-haul, and I’ve not looked back since. I can do long haul now, no problem, but it took me months before I could sleep properly, so I requested short haul when I could because then I’d at least get some sleep every night, and well, now I’ve realized I actually prefer it. I like coming home instead of being away for days on end (unless I’m in Dubai).

Anyway, it started to get a bit better, but then my dog Kelsey died; anyone who knows me well knows that she was my absolute world. This happened in May, and I still haven’t done a blog about Kelsey; I know it’s awful, but I try not to think about Kelsey… it hurts me too much. I really debated upping my antidepressants at this point, but I didn’t, and I threw myself into work…. I trained for half a marathon in honour of mental health (I understand it now). Si and I rented out a place on the river in Brentford, and we’d go for walks and runs daily, which helped me…

Two months later, my best friend Hayley died. I still, to this day, do not understand what caused this bleeding in her brain. My mind didn’t comprehend it, and this was when I truly felt that life was unfair. I no longer believe in things happening for a reason, and I lost my way again. I was very sad after this, and I really tried to help myself. I had days and days where I couldn’t think of anything other than Hayley. It has got easier, but it’s not easy. I miss her so bloody much, and well, I don’t even know what to say anymore… there are no words. I still grieve for her a lot.

In September, we moved into a lovely dream home, giving me some focus to try and make it a proper home for us. It’s coming along nicely, and I love it here. We had our housewarming the other day, and I’m finally house-proud. Being with Simon here is one of my favourite things to do.

In November, I finally became an Inflight Manager, and I also love this new challenge and focus… It’s taken me a while to get there in my eyes, but I am finally ready (what I’ve been through has actually made me so much better at my job, surprisingly). I go to Dubai whenever I can with Simon, and I went 4 weeks ago and forgot my antidepressants, which forced me to quit, so I’m a month off them now. I still have bad days, but I manage them better, and I’m going in the right direction.

My friends, family and Simon especially have been my rock. 2023 is a shockingly shit year, but some good has come out of it, and I’m going to focus on that, surely 2024 has got to have some better things to look forward to…

Thanks for coming for the journey.

xBx

P.S. Happy New Year!!!!

Oh, and I’m now part-time… that’s definitely another positive of this year 🎉